Today was actually OK, I felt a little bit happy. Actually, happy isn't quite the right way to put it. I was delirious, so I wasn't fully aware of how I felt. I was not exceedingly hyper but I did feel like I was on drugs. And then I started to feel guilty for being happy. It made me feel a little bit sad.
I don't think I'm deserving of happiness. (Sounds emo but I don't care)
Something rather embarrassing happened today. The Japan Trip people were in the AVA Room so I hopped over to see if Miyano was there. She was, and so when I saw her I waved to her enthusiastically from behind the door. Also, I was grinning like an idiot. She lifted her hand and waved back a little uncertainly. Then what she did next hinted to me that she didn't remember me: She turned around to the guys and shot them a "do-you-know-her?" look. Crap.
I have so much work to do but here I am procrastinating. I'm hardly ever able to do work when I'm feeling bad. And that's like, almost all the time.
It is so unfair that Mdm Yee is still giving us work despite the fact that Chinese O'levels is just next Tuesday! >:(
Whenever I hear a comment I tend to respond differently. I feel a certain emotion and the emotion almost always contorts my face into an expression. And then people laugh at my expressions. It doesn't quite bother me, but it makes me wonder how I look like when I make the faces I do. I've tried moving my facial muscles as much as I can remember, hold the expression and then study my expression in the mirror. It doesn't entirely embody the candid expressions I make, but at least it's something for me to look at.
During Chinese today, I drifted in between listening to ZLS and paying attention to my trains of thought. It's much easier, of course, to go into a state of introspection. And as usual the thing or person that occupies my mind the most took over... All of a sudden I felt sad. I thought of something that happened on Valentine's Day this year and my heart started to twist in pain. Just a bit. It's so irrational.
This whole issue is robbing me of my senses and it's breaking my sensibility to make good and sane decisions. That's the way it always has been but I just didn't notice it until I was forced to start looking back in retrospect. I hate all these heart seizures. But it's with them that I realise that I still do love him a lot and I am happy. It's funny how this makes me happy, but sad too. So I'm glad to feel this heartache too, as morbid as it is.
I have always been a bizarre person. I can't quite fully comprehend myself either.
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me baby
'Cause I need to know now, oh because
My loneliness is killing me
(And I) I must confess
I still believe (still believe)
When I'm not with you
I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
I used to think this song was disgusting!!
PostSecret for the day:
This is one I wanted to post up back then, long ago... And I'm doing it only now.
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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