I wasn't looking for this
What is this? I don't know
You know I was doing just fine
By myself, on my own
Tell me, how to, stop this feeling.
I don't wanna fall in love,
Just wanna have a little fun
Then you came and swept me up,
And now I'm done, so done.
Falling madly deeply I,
Surprise myself enough to find
That what's begun is love
And now I'm done, so done
I'm done.
Today when I was walking home from the bus stop and I was on the bridge and nobody was there. Which was quite a rarity considering the fact that it was peak hour and the traffic on the bridge is usually higher during times like those.
I started singing on the bridge, really loudly. But it was not like anybody could hear. The cars passing by below the bridge would drown out all the noise. Still I kept looking around to see if people were coming up the bridge.
I feel so lonely. I've never ever felt so alone in my life. I have to try and be glad that there are people around me. I've always preferred to have a few close friends rather than a huge social circle whereby which I'm hardly close to anyone. The latter's the case now. I'm not making an effort to be closer to people.
I just want to be alone. And I don't want to be alone. I want someone to care, but I don't want just anybody to care. I wonder who would understand what I need. And even if they did, would they care?
There is a full moon tonight. And I can see it from my window, it's so bright.
Today I did something so irrational. I was coming down from the third floor, going down the stairs. I was on my way down the flight of stairs that led to the second floor when I heard a voice from below. I was instantly fossilised for a moment, before I quickly reacted by running back up to the third floor. After that, I was shocked to realise that my heart rate leapt up dramatically.
I'm a coward. But seeing things as they are right now (if there is even anything at all), I just don't know what do. I don't know how I am to go ahead and live my life with the knowledge that a certain person doesn't exist. Because I can't. Because the person does exist. And you can't delude yourself into believing something that is an obvious, blatant lie. This is one thing I can't even protect myself from.
Running up the stairs, I knew, was to save myself from all the weirdness that would follow if I didn't run up. It was self-defence (sounds so physical, but it's not). But I can't protect myself from hurting myself and that's the hardest thing ever. And I can't protect myself from whatever God decides to throw at me.
I'm so tired of blocking all these blows. And I'm not letting up because I know how bad it would hurt if I let myself get hit. I am so very near to allowing myself to get hurt again. My sanity is, again, hanging on a thinning thread. I don't want to bruise my own heart, I don't want to cry.
Fucked up, I have so many Chinese papers to do. I hate my Chinese teacher (ZLS).
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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