I haven't forgotten about you, and if you think I have, you are mistaken. It's been quite a while since we've last talked, and how have you been?
When I talked about trying to move on, I knew it was all a farce, because this was extremely difficult, if not impossible. And I wonder if you know this, I guess it doesn't matter if you do or don't. All the moments I've spent crying my heart out and smiling whenever I think of you has come to this - the reality is I still love you (and I believe you know it).
When I tried to move on, the best I could do was avoid and evade whenever you came up as a conversation topic. I gave monosyllabic replies, pretend to be barely even bothered when it was really bothering me a lot. You are still on my mind a lot but I always try to push you out of my mind and make space for something else - anything else - even if it meant thinking about nothing at all. It's hard. Maybe I was running away, and these lyrics suit this effort to a tee:
我不想不愿不去承认我的执著, 怕不知不觉无法忍住眼泪不流
I haven't forgotten about you, not quite (and not yet?).
Today's a special day. Over the past year, I've spent so many waking moments thinking about what I would do with you on this day, what I could do for you. And now that it's really here, I can only think about what I wanted to do with you, what I wanted to do for you. And I think about all the things I can't and couldn't do with and for you.
Today's your birthday and I can do nothing but wish you a very happy birthday. And I will be thinking of you and wishing happiness for you, as I do everyday. I'll stay up to catch 11.11 just like I do and will for God to steer you towards happiness on your own. These are the only things I can do, and I feel useless.
I think about if I could turn back time and what I would have done differently. I expounded on your weaknesses and they mattered to me a whole lot. And if I could have another chance, I promise to love you not just in spite of your weaknesses, but because of them. But it's too late, I fucked up, and there's no second chance and there's no way to turn time back,
Now it's not about escaping anymore, I let my mind travel anywhere it wants to. And I let my heart react the way it should to all these images that keep rolling in my head repeatedly. It took me a while to see it, but accepting the fact that I fucked up is the only way for me to be able to live my life normally now. Yet this guilt still haunts me and assaults me at random moments in my life. I miss you.
A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me
I want to scream
Until no sound comes out and you've learned your lesson
I want to swallow these pills to get to sleep
So I don't have to make a bad impression
I need to start to be myself
'Cause I'm sick of everybody else
I wanna run
But only far enough to make you miss me
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done
But I guess you were better off without me
I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late, you never got your story straight
I'm always up late, I think I'm everything you hate
I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man
You have given me so many things I bet you didn't even know you did.
I love you, happy birthday.
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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