I think I don't need anyone. Even if I secretly wish that there was someone.
Today I bought plasters from Guardian. The sole reason I bought plasters were to restock the supply in my wallet. Since a while back, maybe since last year, I'd wanted to cultivate the habit of having plasters with me all the time so that at any given time if someone - or myself - gets hurt, they'll come in handy.
Last year I'd bought Disney plasters, on the plasters were pictures of Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger, and Piglet. I bought them because of the reason I've stated above but also because they were cute. It was more expensive than normal plasters and didn't work as well - because it fell off easily - but I still bought them. But of course, I bought them before knowing that they didn't function that well.
I wasn't very accident-prone. I wasn't exceptionally clumsy, but that isn't to say that I'm meticulously cautious and graceful in my movements. That's still the way it is. But occasionally when my the skin around my nails tore sometimes, I'd wrap a plaster around it, small as the wound is. And then at other times I'd have forgotten that a plaster was snuggling in my wallet, readily available.
That time when we were on the bus, I put on the plaster for him. I was such a klutz, not like the actresses in TV dramas, where they'll put on a plaster for someone else with such meticulous care and precision. I was flustered when I realised that whilst the plaster wrapped around his finger, it barely covered his wound. And because it was a lousy Disney plaster that couldn't hold, it kept falling out. Flustered.
And I can't remember when I ran out of plasters. I don't remember using any of the Disney plasters, or maybe I did but was barely aware because I so seldomly utilised such things.
Maybe I am stupid, to be still missing him after so long. And maybe I am blindly holding on to hope that has already been extinguished. I don't know how it feels like to be whole, I don't think that's what it felt like when we were together, but I knew how it felt like to love and be loved.
Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself, but ever since he was gone I don't think I ever felt truly happy. Maybe I could get back with my life and go on living it the way I did before he ever came into my life, but now that he came and gone I realise that things are not the same anymore.
Now I may be going on with my life as usual, on the surface it may look like nothing has ever happened at all, but things don't always appear as they seem. Maybe I am exaggerating how things really are, but I feel so empty. When am I going to feel pure emotion again.
And now I don't think I'd ever need anyone anymore. Why let other people have a chance at breaking me?
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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