Feelings I did not know still existed in me started to stir this morning. I thought I had them under control, I was seized by surprise when my eyes glazed over and then the tears fell. Genuinely surprised. I'd known all along that deep down in my heart, the feelings were still there. I just didn't expect myself to get worked up about it again. Those feelings were dormant inside of me and now they're coming to life again.
I thought they were fading away. Although it didn't mean I was getting any better, at least I thought it was starting to hurt less. And it's true, I don't feel as much pain as I did anymore. It's probably because of the numbness. It feels like I've taken a million shots of anaesthesia.
And why am I like this? Stupid. I'm messing around with my own head.
And I'm starting to think that every word that I write that you read; you'd think it's disgusting crap. Now guilt knaws at me whenever I think of something that I "shouldn't be thinking". I miss you, I love you. I need you, and I don't even know why. And I still think of you everyday. I even dream of you and think of when you'll turn around and come back to me. It's never going to happen and I know it is my fault. I hate that you won't even throw me a second glance and I hate myself because I know that I'm the whole reason why this is happening. Stupid, stupid.
I want you back in my life so badly but I don't know what to do. I am caught between being selfish and being selfless. Do you still love me like you used to do? I'm afraid that you don't even care about me anymore. I want you back, can you please come back? Because if you still loved me and we were together again it would make us (or at least me) slaphappy. But I know you would have to live through the hell that is me. I was a horrible girlfriend and I know it. I promise I'll try to be better. And then sometimes I would love to see you be happy without me in your life. That's selfless but it makes myself sad.
I still make 11.11 wishes for you, everytime I see that it is 11.11. Do you remember that time you told me you hated 11.11? I was torn apart. Now I don't even feel like that anymore because I am numb. But why am I crying when I, being numb, am supposedly immune to all sorts of pain
You stole my heart, you stole my heart, you stole my heart,
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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