I will write another post before I sleep. I realise I post a lot when I have nothing to do or no one to talk to. Frankly speaking, it's not that I have no one to talk to but I am just unwilling to talk to people. I have my pick of who I want to converse with through my phone or MSN. But I just don't want to. To be honest I don't think I can build an emotionally connective conversation with anyone anymore. And that makes me feel a little bit strong, even though it might not necessarily be a good thing. No, it is definitely not a good thing. I am becoming even more of a private person. Which, to me, is not a bad thing. Just that suppressing everything is a bad thing.
It is like a trend already. I have realised that. When I look at the drop-down bar showing all my archives, and how many posts I have posted in that specific month, I can see clearly which months I've been busy, or happy, or more sad than the others. When I am preoccupied with life, I post less. And when I am not so busy, I would post more. Like now. I feel like blogging is like kicking my thoughts around like a soccer ball in a small, empty room. Because I am shouting out my thoughts back to myself. Only maybe this room has windows because people would get to see what I choose to reveal.
Things I Would Like To Do With You.
1) Go on a rollercoaster ride.
2) Read our report books and laugh at the comments.
3) Look at old photos and squeal/laugh at how cute we used to be.
4) Watch a movie/TV show together in a comfort of a home.
5)
I've decided not to continue this segment of the post because it is getting too personal. I shall leave everything in my mind. Oh, I am smiling now. I'm being stupid. Stupid for thinking about things that obviously won't happen.
Yesterday someone told me that he knows me well. (Or at least he thinks he does.) I had so much I wanted to say to him but it is hard. I wish I could have a conversation with someone where we could be perfectly honest. And I do mean it. I do mean saying "I'm sad" when you're sad, saying "What you just said is making me upset", "I wish you could tell me now that you love me" when you feel like it. And imagine if both parties were equally as honest. Their minds would be transparent and see-through. There would be no conflicts or misunderstandings. I am willing to be like that, but only if I realise that the other person in question is like that as well. It is hard for that to happen. Because who is going to tell you "I'm going to be 100% honest with you" in the first place? Maybe I should take the initiative but I am scared. And I think, there are only a few people who I would be willing to say this to. Well, I just spent the last few seconds counting and I realised that thus far, there would only be two people I'll consider saying that to.
So the person who said (or felt) he knew me well... Well, hello. If you're reading my blog. I hope you were not lying to me by saying that you didn't read my blog. Because if you were lying, then you were pretending to be psychic as well. I forgive you in advance, if that is really the case. I don't even know why I wouldn't be angry at the idea of you lying to me. Maybe because you mean so much to me that I would readily forgive you, or maybe because you mean so little to me that I don't even bother to be angry anymore. I don't know which one to pick.
I had so much to tell you yesterday, but I just felt like.. Whatever. Those things are so long ago now. I would always want to tell you about things, ask you about those things and have a good talk with you. But I've decided that it probably isn't possible, seeing how slightly awkward we are now. And then there's the honesty issue - I wasn't entirely sure if you would respond the way I hoped you would if I was really a 100% honest with you. I would expect you to be a 100% honest too and if for even a slightest bit that I start to feel that you're not being honest... I would close myself up.
I am such a troublesome person.
P/S
I have just realised that the two people I would willingly pour my heart out to, are people who have made promises to me that they failed to fulfil.
The first one - I am apathetic.
The second one - I feel a bit disappointed. Maybe just 0.0000001%. Perhaps because I've gotten over the disappointment. But I still get jealous and everything. But it's okay, I can close my eyes to all of that, to everything. I love him very much, and I still think of him everyday. Am I being very pathetic here? :((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Okay now I am sad. Very sad. :'((((
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