I hate my voice.
I hate my hair.
I hate my personality.
And I really cannot be bothered to change it even though I know I am a really horrible person.
I just got scolded just now. Again. I really felt like lashing out one of my fingers but I did not. Instead I waited till there was no one in the room.
IfeelfuckedupIhatethis.
I am not even surprised at how I am not close to my family. I am hostile to my family members (except maybe my siblings and occasionally, my dad). I am making an effort to be nicer to my dad but not to The Evil Woman. By the way I got scolded just now by my dad when I asked him to sign my exam papers.
I hate it when my parents tell me to try harder. They have no idea how hard I am trying. Okay, to give some credit to their claims, I admit that I didn't really study this term. But still. It is not like they know how hard it is to study in this generation. They probably think it is easy. I would like to throw a blank copy of my A Maths paper in their faces and tell them to do it and see if they will pass. And they will not. And then I will laugh and laugh and laugh. HAHAHA. (I feel bad. I am just saying this to try and console myself into feeling better. It isn't working, not quite.) And I did try for this paper okay. I did not spend hours at Ivory Heights doing Maths papers for nothing.
I feel really lonely. I felt like crying. I realised how distant I am from my family but that isn't what makes me sad. I am only sad because I feel lonely. I've always thought that although I'm not close to my family but at least I have my friends. I'm not saying that my friends are not here for me now because it isn't like I expect someone to be around 24/7. But I am sad because I cannot find anyone to speak to at all. I feel alone, even though I'm not. And there is no one to console me and coax me into feeling better. No one is obliged to do that for me and all I can do is try to make myself better by posting cynical posts about my family. I am pathetic. I feel like I am withering and curling up in solitude.
I guess, a lot of times, my family cannot be entirely blamed for the state we are in now. Ever since our ties started to be strained, I just didn't want to bother anymore. I tried and tried but it just seemed like no matter what we're not like a family anymore. I haven't had the feeling of a family for a really long time now. I am used to it, I don't really mind.
Sometimes I feel bad because sometimes I know they try. The more they try the more I build walls around me. I don't want anyone to get close to me anymore. Not just my family but everyone. But it is strange because we always do want someone to care for us. I am typical like a lot of other people - we build walls around us just to see who would bother enough to tear them down.
On a side note. I know it is quite ironic to say this now that I feel like crying, but I really don't understand why some people cry and cry and cry. I. Don't. Get. It. There are things that will make us sad and make our eyes moisten but to cry at the smallest of things is just absolutely ridiculous. Such as results. I have never cried over results and I swear that will never happen. If it ever happens I'll delete this post so no one can hold this claim against me. HAHAHA. (Pathetic.)
I'm not saying it is wrong to cry though. Go ahead and cry all you want!!! I just feel that it is tragic that people cry over small things. It makes a person seem weak. But I guess, we all have varying opinions on what's important to us and what's not. Thus the degree of hurt we feel from different events would always vary. I just think it is weird to cry at everything, even the smallest things that make you feel just a little bit sad. For instance: Yes, I might be sad if my handphone got stolen. BUT IT IS NOT LIKE I WILL CRY OVER IT.
Point is, I just think people should be strong sometimes. To try and bear the pain sometimes. Even if it is difficult. But things are always difficult, so when are you going to stop feeling desolate? If the issue is no big deal I think we shouldn't cry. BECAUSE IT ISN'T A BIG DEAL. By the way I hate it when people cry just so they can get people to console them. That's even more tragic than how I am right now!!! If you do that you are a complete loser.
"WHY ARE YOU NOT SLEEPING," my dad just bellowed as he stomped up the stairs. "YOU STILL HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW."
"Later," I said dismissively and he retreated into his room.
Back to the issue at hand.
Ironically, I used to be a crybaby when I was young. I cried at the slightest things, e.g.:
Hui Ning: (walks past and stops abruptly, looking at me)
Me: (quizzical look)
Hui Ning: (over-enthusiastically) HELLO MEI MEI!!!!!!!!! HEE HEE HEE
Me: ... (starts crying)
*In case you still don't know, Hui Ning is my elder sister.
I feel much better. But still lonely. I have been acting like a spoilt brat these days. It's horribleeeeeeeeee. I wish someone was here to help me. :((((( 我好需要有人陪！！！ And I am very selective. I will only allow whoever I want to stay with me to help me. But still I guess it depends on whether that person is willing to do it. -_- FORGET IT I AM PATHETIC ENOUGH
It is 11.12 PM. Why do I always finish my posts a minute after 11.11 PM?
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