16 June 2008
I'm not enjoying this holiday at all.
First, I lost my phone.
Then, I misplaced my contact lenses.
I don't know why it's happening. But it's killing my mood drastically and I know it's something I'll still be worried about even when I leave JP.
2.58PM
Just now after we had lunch, M, N and I went to sit at the benches outside the restaurant. Then, Y and his brother came over eating green tea ice cream. I took a picture of them because their lips, tongue, and teeth were slobbered all over in green. Y's brother whispered something to him and had this peculiar look on his face that sort of meant, "What the hell, she's in love with you," when I wasn't and now I'm completely embarrassed.
I then had a "quarrel" with N. I didn't take it seriously but apparently she did. She then exclaimed haughtily, "Whatever. You're always sticking to us!" This left me even more embarrassed and on top of that, I felt kind of depressed.
I guess in a way I appear like I'm trying too hard and honestly, maybe I am. Jealousy occurs when you don't have and badly want something another party has and I think maybe that's what I am - jealous. I'm jealous that I don't have beautiful friendships like they do and my personality is boring instead of charming. And I never manage to attain the perfection I'm searching for. Because I'm boring and everyone thinks I'm just extra. (Which, maybe, is really what I am.)
But besides jealousy, I was hurt too. I'm her sister and she doesn't seem to are about that at all. Sometimes I feel like just leaving my family because I'm so sick and tired.
5.47PM
I'm outside Daimaru, resting on the chairs. Y and his brother are talking about two and a half metres away. My mood has somewhat been uplifted with the help of retail therapy. YW and A have always posted on their blogs about their needs for retail therapy and I've always been skeptical about it. But I think it really works. Shopping just feels good.
Anyway, in continuation on the part about JY. I think she's great and I can gossip so much with her without feeling guilty at all. She may be dramatic sometimes but it's what makes her charming, even though her statements are often far-fetched and absurd. But she will never, with intention, hurt you. And I think I would never want to hurt her too.
I'm always very paranoid and I can't help it. I can't help but think the world's passing off judgements about me, and when someone laughs or whispers to someone else, they're laughing at or talking about me. It's crazy, but I just can't help it. No one ever did that to me before I got into secondary school. Now people label me as 'emo' when I'm just sensitive. Too sensitive, in fact.
But all this sensitivity is not always wrong. People do talk about and laugh at me. This is true, and I know it. Somehow it feels like it's going to continue for an eternity and I can't do anything about it.
17 June 2008
12.55PM
Just now when I went over to where I am not and sat down, Y and his brother looked in my direction, smiling gleefully. This is what I immediately thought: "Oh no, they're laughing. They're laughing at me. They must be thinking to themselves, 'Hey look, we've finally gotten rid of her! She's over there, see? Now that she's gone, (which, by the way, is great) let's go hang out with M and N!' "
After raving about a model who came into the shop we were at, Gigi brought us to the restaurant, where M and N already were at. They were sitting with 2 other guys, whose names I forgot (or didn't know, more like). So after telling her about the model, I then said, "Where am I supposed to sit? There are no seats here left for me."
"I don't know," she snapped, "Go find a place yourself!"
My confidence level has officially hit a new low. The more I see them eating and laughing together, the more depressed I feel. I understand why N's being like this and honestly, I would do the same thing if JY was here and M wasn't. But I just wish she'd understand that I'm feeling very alone here and more than ever, I now feel like a third wheel.
11.51PM
I hate crying. Or at least, I never liked crying in front of other people. Because it's then when people get to see me melt and fall apart. Like a wall I've been building around me has collapsed and people get to see a bad side of me.
But today after I cried, I didn't see a bad side but I saw a genuine one. Despite the swollen, red eyes and mucus dripping from my nostrils. Because maybe this is just how I am.
There's that adage that goes something like, "Maybe our eyes need to be cleaned by tears once in a while so we can see life with a clearer view again." Before this, I've been thinking that I've lost control of myself and everything's scattered around in pieces. The further I chase, the more I lose track of what's around me. What really makes me. Who I really am.
I still don't know who I am, but more than ever in a long time I'm feeling just like me.
Just now when my brother found his book in my luggage, he told me, "Thanks anyway," despite the fact I snapped at him before for wanting for search my luggage. He got angry and then a few hours later... He thanked me. I can't believe I'm crying as I write this and back then I even told him it's impossible for the book to be in my luggage because who would want to "steal your book"?
I've never been the best among all my friends, class-/schoolmates. I never will be, but just for today, I feel good enough.
19 June 2008
7.54AM
Yesterday was quite fun. We had to wear yukatas and have dinner and take pictures. Took loads of pictures with Y, C, K, M and N. I did feel a bit extra but I tried to ignore that gnawing thought.
After that, we went to set fireworks at a lake near the hotel. N didn't go and for once I did feel like I fit in, and not like an extra.
Y (and C) can scream really crazily, just like girls and I find that freakishly amazing because I can't even scream without my voice breaking or sounding weird. Y, C, K, M, Z and I walked back to the hotel lobby to talk. K and I decided to join them for Daidi (or however you spell it) afterwards at Room 306 (Z's room), even though we didn't know how to play. But they said they would teach us.
So after a while I went to look for M at her room, 205. She was bathing and N went out. So I sat down in front of N's MacBook and stoned. N came back after a few moments and when she saw me, she demanded, "What are you doing here?"
Then I told her, "I'm just sitting here. I'm looking for M. We're going to Room 306 later."
Without flinching, she spat out, "What are you going for? You're just being extra going there." And that totally brought down my mood.
When M and I went to 306 after all that, I didn't feel like going anymore. At 306, they were trying to teach K and I how to play but it was difficult. C and H tried to teach me, Y tried to teach K. But I didn't feel like it and honestly, Daidi was boring for me. K left 306 about half an hour later. I left at 12.45AM, I think.
20 June 2008
Tomorrow, we're going back. I guess I do feel a tad better compared to at the beginning of this holiday. All because I tried not to feel intimidated by N. I didn't feel that way after M revealed to me that sometimes she feels irritated by N, too. And maybe the "beautiful friendships" I thought they had are just a facade. They do have problems like I do, after all.
I'm also not always on the verge of paranoia because I found out that Y and C somehow finds N naggy and they even nicknamed her "Auntie".
But I think I will still be a little paranoid when I get back to school.
Z said that for the first few days I was very emo and this, of course, is true. He even knew the reason for my emo-ness and he says it's "always like that" and it feels nice to have someone know how you feel.
Congratulations if you finished reading this freakishly long post. I wrote this last year when I travelled overseas. It's a typical habit for me to keep travelling diaries so I can refer to them when I blog, but apparently this was too personal to post up back then. Now that it's all water under the bridge, here it is. :)
I took 33 minutes to do up this post.
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