"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it.
They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love."
/Rose Walker
I used to think that a relationship was an outlet - an available resource to run to when you're feeling screwed from whatever's screwing you up in other aspects of your life. A place where you get solace and try to regain your sanity. With someone there to help you along or at least show that they care. A little like a home, a shelter, an abode. (In most cases) It's the place you go, to get rest and let yourself unwind and finally attempt to straighten yourself out.
Lately I realised this is not the case. Because, if that is what a relationship really is, then it wouldn't be love at all. It would be taking everything but giving nothing at all. Selfish, isn't it.
And then I had delusions about having a perfect relationship. Right from the start, I have known that a perfect relationship probably doesn't really exist, and even if it does exist, it would take a lot of effort to attain. Yeah, I knew. What I didn't know was how much effort it really took. And how tireless this task is (if this can be counted as a task at all).
I am now officially disillusioned. -cynical smile-
- Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door.
- Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that."
- Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama."
- Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk."
- Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain.
- Today, I was feeling really upset and called my boyfriend. He said "Can you feel upset a little later? I'm watching a movie."
FIAK MY LIFE.
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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