I fucking hate how you stand behind me and look at what I'm doing on the computer. Fuck off, you don't have the right to invade into my privacy. You never acknowledge it when I'm doing work. Even when you notice it, you emphasize on the times when I'm not doing work. Can you just please shut up.
I understand and accept what you're trying to drill into me, what you're trying to drive at. But please, can't you just do it in a more... Civil way? All your verbal comments, although they do not physically hurt me, they slash and bang against my heart. Do you really want me to lose my sanity? Do you really want me to scream that I hate you? No, I don't think you want that. Neither do I, but this choice is a very tempting one. And I can do it. I can lose my sanity. I can scream that I hate you. For now, I've been choosing not to go the other way. Don't make me take a turn and go the alternate route.
I'm glad you gave me my life, gave me so many other things, education, love, care, et cetera... YES, I DO KNOW! I just wish you'd see and appreciate what I'm doing, what I like to do... Because that's what you've been encouraging us to do all these years, isn't it? To do what we want and like. As long as it isn't morally wrong and it isn't against the law. So why the sudden change? Why are you forcing me to become someone I do not want to be?
Do you realise that the more you push me to do what I don't want to, the more I don't do it? WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING REALISE THAT. Stop telling me that you don't get way I'm 'like this'. Beyond those robotic monosyllabic responses, the face you used to see as beautiful (but now you call it an attitude face), beyond EVERYTHING, why can't you see, me. Why can't you see me, beyond my academic achievements (or failures, more like, fuck yeah), my rebellious behaviour and killer mood swings, why can't you see me for who I am. You're supposed to know me best, I'm turning fourteen and I've barely spent a day away from you. Almost every day, I see you. I accept that I've been nothing but disappointments one after another, but have you ever been proud of me? Been proud that, I was the class valedictorian when I was 8. That I made attempts to tutor my brother since 9. That I finished writing my first book at the age of 10. That at age 11, I was actually happy. That when I turned 12, I worked hard for Maths, an actually churned out an A for it. That when I turned 13, albeit the rough times we've been through, at the end I felt genuinely happy to have parents. A lot more. Why, why do you keep pouring salt over my wounds?
Do you remember the last time I attempted to have a good relationship with you? I remember. It was during June this year. During the Japan trip. I cried. You cried. That day you left me feeling vulnerable and timorous, but I was glad too. Glad, to have someone like you. I loved you, beyond all the hate I saw what you were trying to do for me, how hard you were trying. I felt pangs of guilt, for being so difficult. I no longer feel that way. Because you took my efforts for granted. On that day, I FELT GLAD. Because I saw a empathical side of you. You told me one thing I will never be able to forget in my life, you said that it's the only time you're saying it and you will never ever repeat it again. It's now etched in my mind, I cannot and will not forget it. However, what you're doing now does not seem to tally with what you said.
So please. Leave me alone.
AND.
Happy Birthday Benson!
(I'm 50minutes late)
Sorry for putting your name on such an angry post. Well, hope you enjoyed your birthday.
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