Ugh, I still have 7 more Chinese Newspaper cut-outs to do
Today I cried in front of the counselor. I was quite mortified, it has been around... well, 2 years since I ever cried in front of anyone. As in, anyone outside of my family.
I am getting so so sick of my life. There's this saying that goes, you only live once, so live your life to the fullest. Or something like that. But that is so (disgustingly) optimistic. If you look at it from another angle (a pessimistic angle), then you can retort: since I am only going to have one life, I am going to die sooner or later anyway, then what's the point of trying so hard?
I believe in the latter.
I wrote this, circa September 2007. Not on this blog but on the other one.
Reading about things like these make me somewhat despondent but on the other hand, it makes me shocked too. Shocked, to see how much emotion I used to have. So much anger. So much anguish.
My viewpoint about life has changed now. Not that I'm optimistic but I guess I'm in the point somewhere in between. Of course, I'll strive to live my life to the fullest but it's not like I'll make the best out of everything. I'm not that much of an optimist and honestly speaking? I don't think I can ever see myself that way. So it probably means, I never will be.
Right now, what I think about this part of life is, that I will work hard, but time to time I'll fall back and I won't force myself to do everything I need to just in order to live my life to the fullest. I don't want to be happy all the time because if I am, I will never be able to feel real emotion. And being stuck or trapped in the state of happiness and bliss also means you'll never experience sadness, anger, disappointment, so on and so forth. To be able to experience all kinds of emotions... That, for me, is a goal and a kind of bliss too. Because it does mean you've lived a little. Not just idling your life away, sitting in front of the computer screen and working relentlessly.
So I guess I can conclude this post, having said what I've wanted to in the last paragraph but I'd like to blog a bit more.
Colorgenics! I haven't done Colorgenics in a long time. Here's the one I did minutes ago. As usual, it fits the scenario and my mood (almost) perfectly:
You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated. Be careful... just as 'you' may be endeavouring to influence others, 'they' may indeed be influencing you.
Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren't working out and you don't quite know which way to turn.
Circumstances are holding you back, forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation and before you even know it the situation could change.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality.
A tad long, I know, and I don't expect much (or any) people to read this. They'd probably scroll down or skip it after reading it half-way.
I've noticed something in all my Colorgenics results: I am constantly seeking for approval of other people.
Here's the link if you want to do it. Click.
Tuition in an hour and half... Aaaaahhhhh.
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