nakinagara sagashi tsuduketa maigo no kodomo no you ni
kedo soko ni ha eien nante aru wake nakute
Like a lost child, crying and searching
But there was no such thing as forever
"dare ni mo shinjinakereba iin da yo," tsubuyaita ne
futari niteru no kana?
ano toki kimi wo mamoru to kimeta no ni
"It's okay if you don't believe in anyone" you whispered
Were the two of us really alike?
And I decided then I would protect you
doushite konna ni suki nan darou
toosugite chikasugite todokanai yo
"wasureyou" tte omoeba omou hodo
kimi ga ookiku natteku yo
Why can't I turn them to memories
You're too far, too near for me to reach
The more I tell myself "I will forget"
The larger you loom in my thoughts
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You know it's like how, she really puts me down, like it's the goal of her life, and if she doesn't do it, she'll die?
She isn't perfect. No one is, God made us that way. Why can't you idiots just open your eyes and look carefully?
She has made a clone of me. She promoted this clone to everyone else, like a slut, a bitch. THAT'S NOT ME. I want to cry this out to everyone. Then I noticed it wouldn't make a difference, they have already chosen to believe her. They've put trust in the words she has said, has blurted out. Now everyone knows she's the poor victim, the poor fragile girl. I'm the cunning slut that bullied her.
How everyone trusts her, makes me feel beyond disgusted. I feel more than disgusted. I have a mixture of emotions. I feel disgusted, but not too much. I feel sad, down, angry, tired, over, betrayed. Unimportant.
I try, pretty hard. It's not easy. It really isn't, people can't feel how I feel.
I cry. This year just screws me up. I didn't even cry last year.
Next. You know how my 'best friend' makes me feel? She makes me feel, like... Like, like what she's doing is more important. I called her just now, and have, for the umpteenth time said that I 'hate hate hate this school'. She tells me that she wants to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, because she missed Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and so it's really really important to her. After like, a minute on Harry Potter, she went on to add that I should go to her school, also for the umpteenth time. She also told me, she wanted to call me, but didn't, because she forgot. Why she forgot? Homework.
Sometimes I wonder why she's even my best friend. Is it because we've changed? I know I've changed. It makes me wince, a little. It's like the chemistry, the magic between us has faded away. I feel, I know, she's not my best friend anymore. She has a new best friend. She doesn't need me. She isn't my best friend either. Now I know. She was never, never able to trace the hurt in my voice. Hurt, that is often hidden well, but not totally hidden. Traces of it slip out, I can't keep my hands on everything, but she always fails to notice.
Today I met up with some PHPPS people. They were people I hardly talked to, people I hardly knew. It's obvious they have changed, from what I can see. But you know there's still this thread of familarity about them? It makes me feel, and know, that deep down inside, they are still the same.
I want it all to just end.
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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