I have completely given up on the human race and society.
There's simply no hope anymore.
I wonder what I want to do.
I wonder what I can do.
It feels like I'm floundered, like my whole life has hit an ice berg and sunk like the Titanic.
Like I fell, and my face is flat on the floor.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
What can I do?
What am I supposed to do?
What do I want to do?
I've given up on everything. I've given up on my life. I have no aspirations. I have loads of quietened inspirations. I guess this is my life. It's even scientifically said so.
They say that your parents know everything about you. Mine don't. They say it's because I don't speak to them. Have they given me a chance to speak to them properly? Yes, they had. It's just that they can't tune in to what I'm saying. They don't understand how I feel. I have tried to keep an open mind, just like what they said. But it's just like a futile attempt. Everything falls apart. Nothing is forever, I know that now.
I have lied to everyone. I really mean everyone I know.
I am starting to see this as a confessional letter.
I'm sorry. I lied that time when I said my 'friend' did this, or that. The truth is, this 'friend' doesn't exist at all, so it's impossible for that 'friend' to have done anything. This is just one small lie. There are bigger lies. I am afraid. I am afraid to tell.
Someday I wish my lies will be uncovered. One easy way out is just for me to say everything.
Call me a coward. I am scared. I am scared of a lot of things. I pretend. I have been acting. I have been acting everyday of my life.
Now it just feels like I have no friends. I feel like my best friend doesn't want me. It feels like nobody wants me. My parents love me. But they don't know me. I don't want anyone that doesn't know me, to love me. Sometimes I know some people think they know me, very well. Truth is, no one but God knows me at all. Even my parents, my siblings, my closest friends. No one knows me.
I know everything my parents do, they do it for my own good. Isn't that the line we have heard so many times in I Not Stupid? I know. I know they mean it for my own sake. I know they love me. I try to understand how they feel. There are many things left unspoken, caged in my mind. Why can't they think about how I feel?
Sometimes I feel like running away from home.
This world is so evil. It's so cruel too. I have completely surrendered. I'm just one girl. One plain Jane, one nothing-special young lady you can find on the streets. But my feelings are more unique. I have cravings. Essential cravings. Maybe I don't need a digital camera, a PSP, or to be able to play the DSLite more. I need love. I need a true best friend. Just one perfect best friend.
Nobody is perfect, I know that. But what I'm deeming as a perfect best friend isn't perfect. Maybe my best friend can be like me. Maybe she (or he) is also ordinary, and nothing special. But our feelings are unique.
I just need a best friend,
a best friend that knows how I feel,
a best friend I never have to lie to,
a best friend I can confide in yet have fun at the same time,
a best friend I feel comfortable around with,
a best friend that will never betray me,
a best friend I love and loves me back.
Just that. Is it very hard? I don't know.
I have a lot of things. I cherish them. But they are not what I want. I am just like Elda and Freya from Chobits. I am looking for the 'someone just for me'. That someone can be social. That someone will never hurt me, I know. Sometimes I even wonder if a someone like that exists. When I read Can You Keep A Secret?, by Sophie Kinsella, I saw the bond between Lissy and Emma. It was when I noticed that, yes, such a person exists.
Life is so meaningless.
In the end, you die. What's life for? Is it just a movie for the angels in heaven to see? I'm still figuring out the point of life. What's the point when you die in the end? Everything ends. Someday, everything will end.
As my tears fall,
it's finally I realise that,
there's no one I can turn to anymore.
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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