Excerpt from 4 Blondes by Candace Bushnell.
"Exactly what are you trying to say, Redmon? That I'm not good enough?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"Then I don't think we need to continue this conversation," Janey said.
"Just think about this," he said. "Where do you think you're going to end up, Janey? What do you think's going to happen to you if you keep messing up people's lives like this?"
"What about my life, Redmon? Why don't you assholes ever think about how I feel?" she said. She hung up the phone.
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Under much persuasion from my dearest Yunwei, I am back to blog. Just for this one post, but I'll be back someday. But just not today.
I love blogging, I really do. My love for blogging is far beyond anyone's comprehension. It's one of the things that I'm actually enthusiastic about.
I feel really out of place. Yes I do. I thought that if everyone else could go back to PHPPS, everything would be just like before. But it's only soon that I've noticed that, no, it won't be the same anymore.
I know it will never be the same again. Never. Because everyone has changed. It's pretty obvious. I have changed too. Just not for the better.
So what if we can go back? Everything won't be the same. How people will treat other people, won't be the same anymore. I won't treat people the way I would have used to. If they piss me off real hard I'll just shout at them, instead of saying, "Never mind," like I used to. I would dare to do many things I never would have done back in PHPPS.
I have been crying a lot, you know? Not a lot, but definitely much more than I used to. I'm the sort that hardly cries and it's not easy for me to cry too. I didn't even cry during graduation last year. I try pretty hard. Sometimes I even feel so weird that I don't cry. It even felt like I've forgotten how to cry. I try to be as serene as I can seem to my relatives. They have this really good impression of me, but it's really just a facade.
I never thought I would get to be so emotional like this. I used to be like, a really cheerful person. I was really bright and optimistic, and I thought life was good. Never ever thought that right now, it would all turn out like this.
Sometimes I see people doing things they make me really hurt. But it isn't anything wrong, so I have no right to stop them from doing it. The reason I don't stop them from doing it is because they are happy. It's so contradicting, you know? An urban rebel lives for no one and nothing, but for themselves. That's what urban rebels are supposed to do. But I'd rather let the people be happy. At least just for once.
Guess what, today I cried on the bus back from Jurong Point. I cried just a bit, I've been thinking a lot. I cried because my life is so screwed up, and how I'm being forced to think it's perfectly fine and wonderful.
I always cry, but hardly anyone sees me when I'm doing it. How many times have I cried, then wiped my tears away telling myself, "No, an urban rebel doesn't cry over anything."? I am young, immature. But the worst thing is, I'm a loser. And my life is just really screwed up. But I'm okay being emo.
I just feel like life is just another game, like those games my brother used to always ask me to play... A once-off kind of thing, once it's over, it's over. Life is just like that, it's something I want to get over and done with.
You know how people always think of a person's best friend when they think of the person (or vice versa)? Simply put, if a person thinks of Person A, they will think of Person B, who is Person A's best friend. Before graduation, it was always me and her, but you know now it's like no one remembers?
Some people tell me to 'cheer up', 'don't be so emo' and yadda similar things. I'm sorry to disappoint them, but I can't,
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I love sleeping, eating and my imaginary tattoo.
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