The Colorgenic test.
You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.
You are an emotional and sensitive person. You are inclined to delight and wallow in all things that give pleasure to your senses but nevertheless your tastes are refined and you reject anything that is indecent or vulgar.
Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.
You are feeling full of uncertainty and worrying over what you consider as missed opportunities. This is causing considerable stress and tension. You feel that there must be more to life than the constant pressures and anxieties - that surely life must hold far more opportunities than that which it has to date presented to you. You sincerely believe that there must be a simpler way to tap life's hidden recourses and should you be able to find that way - you could achieve your hearts desire. It's the not knowing 'how' that is affording you the constant worry. You are constantly probing and seeking - trying to ensure that at all times you are on your guard against missing any opportunity. 'Enough is enough'. You are anxious to avoid further setbacks. You are strenuously trying to make sure that you will not be overlooked and you badly need security.
There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophesy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.
How true.
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With much persuasion from my dearest Yunwei, I am back (as mentioned before). But now I guess the main purpose of this blog is to write about my emotions. I guess I won't be chronicling my life much like I used to.
Today I wrote and wrote on my foolscap paper. I wrote things I felt were true, so I just kept writing and writing. Eventually it made me feel better because I knew I was telling the truth, I guess. I have been lying a lot. But after that, back home, I thought about it again. Then yesterday's heavy load of emo feelings kicked back in.
I have been thinking a lot about the R3 people and all. I notice that people are not always what they seem. There's definitely another side to them, you will never know them completely. There's something in them, something more profound and complex, which we won't ever uncover.
It feels awful. It feels awful to know that people are heck-care-ing you on purpose. Simply put, ignoring you. I always feel jealous. I am so stuck. Who can do anything, if the root of your problems are the solution to your problems?
Sometimes it's just so unfair. It's not a law, but there's this natural justice in the world, that is not just broken, but horribly shattered. I know I'm not making much sense.
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