Am talking to Nat about PHPPS now. He started the topic by telling me how much he misses PHPPS.
I see many seniors like maybe Justina, Kai Ching (who doesn't know me, but I do read her blog, so), Timotheus, Yi Yun, Shi Chen, Jin Han, Bennie and Fay. It's like they don't miss PHPPS at all. At least on the surface because I don't know how they're feeling. I hardly talk to Shi Chen, Bennie & Fay and I've never even talked to Kai Ching before.
It's been really long since I've talked to Timotheus, Yi Yun and Jin Han, who were, at my sister's own last year in PHPPS, my sister's best friends. They used to come over to our house quite often, be it for projects or just for fun... I even remember during 2005 at the end of the year I saw them, with Zavier too, running around the pool. They even pushed Zavier in the pool... But I didn't even think much of what they did I just kept laughing at them.
So I was talking to Nat and I told him to hold on for a minute while I went to get my lunch (JAP CURRY, LOVES LOVES LOVES <333).
I started thinking about what he said. Then I realised that, it was way over. I already knew that. But I just got really aware of that.
Sometimes I think that maybe I'm over it because I have so much fun in FHSS but I just tell myself the reason I'm over it is only because I know it's impossible for me to go back to relive (as in, do everything again from the beginning all over again) because the time for me to do the things I did there was long ago over. It's all finished.
Before I graduated I was quite looking forward to FHSS because I thought I'd be able to start all over again and do the things I couldn't do or achieve in PHPPS. But now the things that I could do in PHPPS, I couldn't do them in FHSS. The things I used to want in PHPPS, I got them in FHSS.
But that only taught me one thing: "Be careful for what you wish for, for you may just get it" ...
Everytime I log into MSN I'll check my groups to see who are online, so I could talk to them. Now I don't even check the PHPPS group because I don't know what to say and I know they won't talk to me either... It really saddens me because we have nothing to talk about and I'm a really bad conversation starter. At least back then I could crap with them online or laugh about the daily happenings, and maybe gossip some rumours... I could also 酸 them. Now it seems like everyone moved on and we don't even have to talk...
Sometimes they tell me they haven't move on but everyone has to move on and adapt to a new life. We have all made new friends in secondary school... I'm just really upset that in PHPPS I didn't talk much because maybe at least now I would have more people to talk to, more people I could tell my troubles to.
I often had the thinking that I didn't have to ask other people for their emails because they would ask me... So I just kept waiting and waiting. Eventually I got really little emails, I knew really little people. What's the use of me knowing them when they don't know me? But right now I'd give up anything to go back and relive the years again, even if it's even for a week. Even a day is enough. Because I just wanted another day I could do the things I used to, I can't even do them in FHSS.
I miss PHPPS so much that once I even dreamt of me back there. I was so happy that I started crying... When I saw Share Ler I shouted her name and I ran to her and hugged her. I don't know why particularly Share Ler but she's one of my dearest friends, one of my best 姐s. HuaShan and Cheryl were right beside me... Then after that I saw Ruth at the pastry stall again, buying her usual favourites. Then I went to the pastry stall too and I bought the donuts I always used to eat. I sat down at my usual table, the one with Hua Shan, Cheryl, Kristal, Jen Yi. After finishing my food, I went to the basketball court. Just like on schedule, I see Duncan and Jeremy and some other people playing basketball. I saw Audrey, Zhixian, Jiing Harn and Sara-Ann walking around, talking, and watching the guys play basketball. Sharleen was the only girl in the game. The bell rang, recess was over... Then I woke up.
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